Beta Variant Causing Erectile Dysfunction, Reduced Sperm Count

WASHINGTON – In an announcement Friday the CDC (Center for Disease Control) announced that the newest coronavirus strain, beta, has been disproportionately affecting vaccinated males. “We have found that the beta strain is causing erectile dysfunction in vaccinated men,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, “The symptoms are consistent with the novel coronavirus but include side effects like reduced sperm count and ED (erectile dysfunction).” The new discovery has left physicians scrambling for answers. Doctors have been recommending that patients entering hospitals for treatment produce samples upon entry in order to test their sperm count. “We have found that this strain of coronavirus latches to male external reproductive organs and affects the blood vessels that supply the penis,” said Dr. Iva Jardon of Johns Hopkins University. A survey conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins found that the majority of men afflicted with the beta strain had not been engaging in consistent sexual intercourse (97.1%), had reduced levels of iron in their blood, consistent with poor diet (88.4%), and a propensity to subscribe to pornographic media (73.8%). Jardon told reporters, “What’s very concerning is that these vaccinated individuals seem to have sperm level counts on par with those of infertile men. If their “members” and sperm counts aren’t pumped up we may encourage elective surgery. Couples trying to have children may require either physical or artificial inseminations from non-vaccinated individuals.” The CDC has encouraged individuals experiencing symptoms consistent with the beta variant to call their hotline at 800-CDC-INFO (800-232-4636).