HIS PARENT’S BASEMENT, NC – After staring at a screen for more than 24 hours, teenager William Clemente told reporters that the price of Bitcoin could go up or down, citing his newly acquired professional experience. “I drew some lines on the Bitcoin chart, like above the red and green dildos, you know?” said Clemente, as he sipped a cotton candy BANG. “I really have no idea which way it’s going to go.” Clemente added that his projections were mostly a ploy to fit in, saying his summer internship largely depended on being well liked. “I use Paint on my computer to draw the lines on the chart and then I share it. We all have no idea what’s going to happen next but it seems to make everyone feel better when I say the number is going to go up, and it makes people sad when I say the number is going to go down. It’s hard work.” Clemente’s parents added that they’ll support whatever it takes to get their son out of the basement.